Guaranteed 90 Less Brain Cells!
by Mark of Distinction
Summary: Conversation one sleepless night between the engines.


It was a sunny, bright, and corporately-regulated day on the Island of Sodor. The engines were all busy with their backbreaking menial slave labor. Thomas, being the flagship, was heading to the docks for no expressly apparent reason, laughing at the others as they toiled away in the hot sun. "I'm so glad I make billions of dollars for the company," he said, "This way I get nearly all the screentime!" When he arrived, he saw Cranky unloading a heavy load. "God damned Fat in the Hat, why is he always making ME lift 200-ton steam engines?!" Cranky snapped. The engine currently held up by his chain looked very odd. It had six driving wheels and a tender, was painted bright purple, and instead of a number had a pink triangle. "Uh oh," Thomas thought, "The soccer moms aren't going to like this." Cranky lowered the engine onto the rails, and Thomas prepared his standard welcome speech. "Hello," he said cheerfully enough to make several windows break, "Welcome to the Island of Sodor! I'm Thomas!" The other engine looked over. "Hellooo Thomath dear!" he said, "I'm Thebathtian. Would you like to head back to the shedth?" The blue tank was taken aback. "Shouldn't we get to know each other first? We've just met," he said nervously. "Suit yourthelf," the purple engine giggled. A blue sedan pulled up and expelled a person roughly two times the mass of the car itself. "What in the name of hot wings is going on here?!" he said. "Oh bugger," Thomas mumbled. Sebastian looked over at Sir Topham Hatt and whispered "Who'th the thea lion talking to?" Cranky stifled a laugh and was written out of the rest of the story. "Now Sebastian," the controller said, guzzling down pork skins, "I want you to take some coal trucks down to wherever the writers decide you're going. I, meanwhile will ride behind in Thomas to make sure you don't get lost." "Oh pooh," Sebastian pouted, "I want to ride behind too!" Thomas stared blankly and backed away slowly.

They had soon reached the coal mine, hitching a ride on a passing commercial for Huggies, when they passed James. "Who was THAT thexy beatht?" Sebastian asked Thomas. Thomas hesitated, then said "Your husband." "Oh goody!" the flamingo tittered.

Meanwhile, back at the yards, Percy was trying to remember something. Henry pulled up to see Percy's face turning purple. "Breathe in with your mouth, Percy," he said in a bored sort of voice. Percy gasped and returned to his normal color. "Thanks Henry," he panted. "It gets so hard to remember…" Emily puffed up. "Get moving you two!" she snapped. Percy looked at her angrily. "Shut up, just because you have ESP all the time doesn't mean you need to take it out on us!" She stared blankly then grew red as a tomato. "I hope you're calling me psychic or I know a certain green engine who is going to die in his sleep!" she screamed. Percy smiled and whispered to Henry "Watch out, I think she's talking about you." "GAAAAAH!"

On another part of the island, Duck, BoCo, Daisy, Derek, and an assorted mix of other characters had assembled in an old derelict branch line. "We will not tolerate being written out of the seri

After the writer had dealt with them, he returned his attention to the resident "homothexual." "What do you think, Thomath, too overbearing?" Sebastian asked thoughtfully, examining a truck that had been painted a bright yellow. "OH GODS MY EYES!" Thomas screamed. "It'th thettled. Pink." The trucks whimpered pitifully. At this point in the story the writer decided that while sexual slurs, jabs at Hit Entertainment and Percy's declining IQ were all well and good, this story needed a little more.

James rushed into the quarry sporting a rainbow-colored tender and screamed "I WANT YOUR BABIES, GORDON!" Gordon exploded. "Brownies!" Toby said happily and began snacking on Gordon's remains. "What's a Percy?" Percy asked. "Trees are good, man, believe it!" Henry slurred, a haze of multicolored smoke about him. The little engines began hosting duels to the death inside the quarry. "Oh dear lord!" Thomas whispered fearfully as Sebastian truly rode behind. The writer realized his mistakes, but too late. "WE WILL BURY YOUUUUU!" Arry screamed, and a tear in the fabric of time and space devoured this unfortunate half-assed fanfic for all eternity.


End file.
